Student Booted From Bus For Methane Pollution

Posted by BOC Staff | Bizarre Crime | Friday 20 March 2009 9:20 pm
Disclaimer: You all know I take crime writing and reporting very seriously. When I came across this, the contrast of this piece against what we see and read daily that is so troublesome, I decided we needed a little break. Enjoy the following farticle, It’s the weekend. There will be something horrible and cruel to write about soon enough, there always is, sadly.

Lakeland, FL- “He who smelt it Dealt It!!” could be heard by a group of kids chanting in support of Johnathan Locke, Jr , 15 , who was kicked off the bus for three days because of what could only be described as “excessive flatulence

Johnny, or “Juicy J” as his friends called him, was handed a misbehavior form resulting in a 3 day suspension from riding the bus on Monday. Upon the repeated playing of his gluteal tuba, although Mr. Locke is not in the band, the bus driver stated that his scented screaming was tantamount to ASSphyxiation, and the students and  he could hardly breathe.

The Ralph Cramden wanna be, director of trouser cough-less transportation, said that Juicy J’s rectal turbulence was done purposefully to make his air biscuits waft to the back of the bus, effectively creating a mobile Dutch oven. It is not known if the cool kids enjoying the rear seating remained conscious or developed hum roid envy.


Polk County School Officials stated there is no rule against flatulence on the bus, but there is a rule against causing a disturbance .

Late this evening, Blink on Crime spoke to Juicy J:

“..If I wanted to be expelled from stool, this is not how I would go about it. Here’s a thought. How about not scooping that heaving mound of baked beans on my tray at lunch. O and yeah, lunch Nazi making me finish my milk.. Dude, I am lactose intolerant. Juicy added he hopes to meet up again with Ralphie, this time, hopefully in a mini cooper or VW Bug . He claims he will be packing from now until then, with a carton of buttermilk for just that special occasion..”

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  1. silent but deadly says:


    I smelled your farticle after reading it, really. The click on the fart board was hysterical.

    Im a local, I am not kidding that this was all over the news.
    Have you ever written for THE ONION under a different name? My DL read this and after telling me he is leaving me for you because you “get it” he swears he has seen your style of writing there.

    ps. You can have him

  2. Gypsy DD says:

    LOL..I needed a good belly laugh this morning.

    Beans, beans, the musical fruit..the more you eat, the more you toot!

  3. BlinksMom says:

    Is this what the cost of your education has amounted to?

    For the record, to your readers, we raised our daughter as a proper lady and did not allow the word fart to be used in our home. This must be some guest writer or something. You speak 3 languages and you write something called a “farticle”.

    Blink’s Mother

    ps. Call me.
    pps. Daddy says I have to tell you he thinks its very funny, dear.

  4. Red Ranger says:

    Blink, I hope your journalistic integrity has not taken a rear seat. This article may reek of the winds of change to a productive, informative website. If I am wrong and it was a one time venture, I stand correctum.

    PS-Local rumor has it that the young man’s tighty whities looked as if he had sat on a Baby Ruth. He has not been previously linked to dottin’ cotton. (Sorry for this whole post Blink’s mom)

  5. Jaelin says:

    Blink, I loved it! Feel free to toot your own horn! It’s nice to see some humor around here in light of all of the mayhem this country is witnessing right now.

    Thank You. My son and I wrote that together and we had a Blast.
    Was fun to not think about death and scumbags for a few.

  6. Jaelin says:

    P.S. doesn’t “gasses” have 3 s’s?

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