Saying Goodbye For Now: Lung Cancer Ends Mom’s Valiant Fight At 63

Posted by Christina Stoy | Blink,Dana Pretzer Show,London Olympics,RED,Scared Monkeys Radio,Uncategorized | Thursday 2 August 2012 12:20 pm

As many of you know,  my Mother has spent the last seven years battling  lung cancer and subsequent secondary metastasis throughout her body.  She quit smoking in 1986.

With an initial classification of stage 3B and a bleak  prognosis , she endured herculean efforts to wage war against the silent enemy that only showed itself on PET scans.

The Red Baroness And Her Life's Co-Pilot

She was an avid true crime reader and case follower.   In her last  email to me, she reviewed my work in the case against Jerry Sandusky while lying in Oncology Intensive Care via her Blackberry that she smuggled in under her gown.

After three weeks of heinousness,  she died peacefully Tuesday at the age of 63.

When she passed, she had 5 books on her nightstand and her Kindle; one of which I was sent by it’s authors for future review.

She told me she was willing to read it, but she was not going to do my job for me, LOL.

“I am overqualified and I am working on dying over here.  I am not going do your work for you, plus I do not know how objective I can be”

Our Mom’s tenacity for knowledge was secondary to her sense of humor.

Last week when we brought her home I reminded her that the same things about her personality that kept her alive for seven years against all odds were going to work against her desire to take her last nap.

She responded, ” I know honey, I am dragging my parachute.”   As the Olympics began, I told her she got the gold medal for outliving all the other patients in the oncology practice and with only one lung category.

 She said,  “Speaking of gold do  you realize it is projected to rise to $1620 an ounce according to my ticker app.    I answered, ” If you do not put that thing away and get some rest I am going to smother you with a pillow and speed this thing up.”

“Then use the new one you bought me.  Your Father’s are flat and mushy and I cannot get him to part with them,  OR ME, ba dump bump” ,  she said complete with hand gestures mimicking a drum set.

“No worries,  I have Daddy signed up on 6 online dating sites including christian mingle something.”

She laughed so hard she had to push her bolus and shot back,  “Now I know that is a lie, you are 43 years old and you put your thumb over the face of his prom dates in his old scrap books when you look at them.”

“AND.. I threw a gum wrapper in her front lawn when Dad showed me her house when we went to visit Grammy’s grave ions ago.”

“Charming.  Maybe you might consider putting that on your growth area list.”

There was nothing secondary about her love of our Father, her girls or our entire family.

In the nearly 44 years they were married,  I never once saw them argue.   As kids, that was particularly daunting- we got away with nothing.   The parental divide and conquer plan was non-existent in our home.

In my teens I used to be annoyed by her ability to walk into the middle of some early crime show and know exactly who did it and why.

A N N O Y I N G in the learning process.

E N D E A R I N G  in the saying goodbye process.

Little did I know then- I would also be inspired by it.  I know everyone says they have the greatest Mum in the world, but she truly was the best woman I have ever known.

Ma Mere did not go gently into the good night.  She told the good night she would come when she was ready, and that she did.   I will not be keeping this post up for long, this site and my work are dedicated to true crime.

While losing one’s Mother at 63 is very much a crime of sorts to me,  we had the ability to spend our borrowed time together creating memories that will sustain us during the most profound loss I have ever experienced- many victims families of cases we cover do not.    Frankly, as far as learning curves go,  I have a new perspective on grief so I appreciate you indulging me with this announcement for a bit.

Private message to Mom:  The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog :)

I will be back in full swing next week,  moderating until then.

My sincere thanks to all for your continued support at www.blinkoncrime.com, www.scaredmonkeys.com and www.scaredmonkeys.net.

 

I would also like to thank Hematology-Oncology Associates Dr. Friedman and Dr. Shaw.   You were her care consultants operating with her directives,  and your advice and compassion  allowed us to bring her home.

I get that it is weird with 27 years in the business you come across the raging bull dressed like my 5′ 3″ tall Mother.

The energy you gave us at your surprise and delight to have her be a first in your practice is cherished and Thank You.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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234 Comments

  1. marnie says:

    Dear Blink – i’m sorry it’s taken me so long to add my condolecnces. it seems every time i tried, the hogs needed slopping, to put it succinctly. i loved your tribute to your mother and your follow up comments. i’m a new reader this past year, but i feel like i’ve gotten to know you and your family as well as the BOC family. i have to admit, i spewed my coffee at my screen when i read “the inappropriately sized bag lady” lol what a gift to be able to laugh at yourselves, especially when working in a field with so much sadness and inexplicable bahavior toward fellow humans, and usually supposed loved ones.

    i know your blog and life’s work is committed to true crime – but inherent in that is your passion and compassion and search for healing. that is what attracts like minded people to your site, and every thread involves grief and a search for healing, for the victims, and i think for ourselves, as you and so many of your posters try to make this world a better place. thank you for sharing your personal story of grief with us.

    i really can’t add to the wonderful comments that have already been posted – i will just echo them back to you, and if people don’t mind, borrow them for myself. particulary the comment about watching out for PTSD.

    i just returned from 5 months in PA, after what ended up being the last 3 months of my mom’s life in her struggled with CHF and aortic valve disease. she was 90, and those 3 months were the only difficult time she had, so i am grateful for that. i wasn’t able to follow the sandusky trial, but i checked in occaisionaly and it was good to see you all doing what you all do so well. when i saaw you post about needing to take some time off for your mom, i was sad, but so glad you were able to do that. im sure it was a whirlwind, but you will always have those memories and know that you did all you could do at the end.

    anyway, i stayed at the house for 2 months after mom passed, to start on the estate settlement and sort thru things. ( lost my dad exactly 2 years ago so this is the final settlement ) that brought on an unexpected kind of grief and i just took my time sorting thru papers, old photos, documents etc. luckily they had gotten rid of most of the “junk”, but mom kept papers ( tax receipts from the 50s, receipts from building the house in ’51 lolol ) i decided i needed some glassware, which is really not valuable but suddenly sentimental – after seeing them in pics when i was a baby and realizing htey were older than me, lol i found pictures i had never seen, a birth certificates from 1905, a naturalization certificate from 192, and documents and artifacts from WWII i alaso had never seen. i ended up having to ship my clothes home so i could pack these treasures in my car. but no matter how carefully i boxed things up and arranged and rearranged my car, it still looked like someone was living in it – with their dog. very frustrating, but i remembered your comment, and decided to call myself the “inappropriately appointed bag lady” and get on with it.

    now i’m home and there is a different kind of grief. i find myself thinking, i should call mom and check on her…… wth??? or if the phone rings, worrying what’s wrong now?? it’s good to remember about the PTSD.

    thank you again for sharing. take as much time as you need and do what you have to do. i know you will know what you need, and be able to take time out to process, without getting stuck there. don’t force yourself to “work” as an avoidance. we are all on t his journey with you.

    take care of you and the rest of your blinksters – and let them take care of you!

    marnie- my condolences on the passing of your parents.

    I love-loved your post. You probably already know that in writing same, you are helping yourself heal.

    I can honestly say that my tribute to my Mother was entirely selfish on my part, with the exception that I knew that readers and contributors to this site would benefit somehow by me sharing my Mother’s personal and very valiant battle that ultimately took her from us. And.. I wanted to excuse myself for the time I would need to focus on my family.

    You telling me that you took time out for a laugh, could relate in a strengthening way, and to warn others about the reality of PTSD, is really what this thread is all about.

    We celebrated my Mother yesterday in the way she wanted and when I am able, or at least think I am, lol, I will share those thoughts and related experiences which are also supportive of your kind words.

    I thank you.

    B

  2. marnie says:

    thank you blink. i look forward to hearing about the celebration of your mom’s life. making those memory boards and celebrating life is very healing. sometimes i think i was unconsiously in denial that this time would ever come – especially when people seem to recover and rebound from serious illness. but, inevitiably it happens. hearing the wisdom and experience of those who have already been there helps those of us going thru it now, and those who will eventually be there. continued prayers to you and your family, and readers who have also lost loved ones.

  3. Oh Blink, about your mom and her WWII helmet…that is a halarious story. I so love that, thank you so much for sharing that… Ordering the Koran book and it prompted a visit from the FBI– then seeing her on that mower with that type of helmet on…TOo funny, i have the visual. Oh to have been a fly on that wall! FYI–One of our friends bought a very pricey home not too long ago and they were moving in and putting some things up in the attic and found one of these books just sitting in the open out.. Not let me tell you, knowing how emaculant my friends are….this house wa sonly 3 years old and has all the latest technology and imentities to it…granite countertops..marble floors..rounded corners….beautiful vaulted ceilings and all of the metal work was custom, ( doorknobs fixtures and lighting)……I was thinking to myself and then shared my thoughts when they told me, My Gosh who would just have one of these books sitting around like that….in an attic?? the behavior i found quite bizzarre indeed to have one of these just lying around in a very new and upscale home completely cleaned out and had been professionally cleaned ( except for the attic)….just wierd. Our friends said they had met the guy several times during the buying process and transition and he was strange indeed. and after speaking to the neighbors, they found out the neighbors didnt even ever seen their children there but they had 7-8 children living in this posh extravagant home. imaculant home and very well kept…the neighbors said they kept their blinds closed 24-7 and one day when someone had went up to the door and knocked and rang the doorbell..the occupants actually answered…they acted somewhat distressed….but they were calm…(you are shuned and thought of being very disrespectful if you interupt their prayer)( like how are we AMericans suppose to know what they are doing) DUH they had a door bell with no forewarning…or note on the door. The neighbor was out working in his yard, had never ever seen any interaction what so ever for nearly three years coming from this home and so he took it upon himself to peek over there and it appeared they were all on their knees in the front formal living area praying, the neighbor said the 3 years that the people lived in that house they never ever seen the cars parked in the driveway , they would always show up pull into the garage and the garage door would go down..didnt appear very much items in the home and nothing in the garage ever… they had someone always doing their yard work for them..never saw people coming or going ever…just a car pull up and in and boom..the children did not attend public school…they were home schooled apparently…they didnt have Televisions and when they moved out, there wasnt hardly anything moved out of that house…. But there was a women, a maid, and a man and 7-8 kids. Unusual behavior for any US citizen or family i would think..even a reserved quiet well respectful one.

    Thank you Blink, your Momma made the world a better place indeed! she was so involved….God bless her.. X’s and O’s to you. Hugs.

  4. TLS says:

    I’m sorry Blink. I know that losing a loved one is part of “life”, but I, for one, am a selfish selfish woman, and want all those that I have ever loved, ever will love, and even just liked a bit, to be with me always. To live forever in joy and wonder and thanksgiving…but that’s not the way it is.

    And now she knows all of the things we all want to know, yes? She’s probably sharing Stardust with the real Red Baron and all those that have gone before.

    I picture her going to room to room of scene sets of her favorite books, movies or plays and living it, or changing it to how she felt it would be better served. She was due for some playful, and then I suppose she will enlist to tackle the big issues from above. The woman was the heaviest of lifters and never had to raise her voice. That is a skill, lol.

    B

  5. A Texas Grandfather says:

    How about mom being a living library and teacher for all those who did not have the opportunity to learn the many things she knows from her large knowledge base.

    Well, as usual, you hit on Mom’s passion. And, my need to support it.

    My schedule does not allow me to read 5 or 6 novels per week, in fact, outside of con eds, good luck with getting me to sit still without an audible or kindle. I will however always lament the splendor and rich grainy smell of a hardcover.

    I purchased a custom embosser for Mom for Mother’s Day. In retrospect I know now that I knew.

    Not because she cared about such things of course, but I cared about her vast library leaving her home without her mark.. She gave books away to people that were complete strangers since I was a child.

    Our family had a book club discussion,lol. They would not let me in because they saw unabridged audible while I was working in my office as cliff notes- LOL, she said I like chatting prose with you less as an academic, but I love listening to you know your field.

    B

  6. A Texas Grandfather says:

    I really think she will do both. Your idea and mine.

    After fifty years of studying religion and philosophy, I have come to the conclusion that some peoples concept of what happens on the other side of playing a harp and doing nothing is nowhere near the truth. GOD is the giver of action and he has a lot for us to do in order to reach perfection.

    If you find this hard to believe, then go to the book of Revelation in the king James version of the Bible and read it from a modern point of view. It reads a little crazy until one realizes that John Mark did not understand or have language to describe what he was allowed to see. He did the best he could with his limitations. For instance, there is a section where he speaks of trumpets that spake. From a modern point of view, that could be nothing more than a loud speaker system making announcements to those present.

    I love books. I doubt that I have the library that your mom has, it takes about eighty feet of shelf space to hold my current books. I had to finally throw out over fifty books on older technology to make room for the new.

    Here you have a person who as an eleven year old, sat down one satuday morning with a copy of Gone With the Wind and read it from beginning to the end in about nine hours. My mom once accused me of reading the labels on cans and bottles if I couldn’t find any books or magazines.

  7. Twinkletoes says:

    Miss you, Blink. Take all the time you need. ill keep checking in. Just wanted you to know i am thinking of you and wishing you peace.
    Susan aka Twinkletoes :0)

    Thank you Twink, I am peering out of my bubble more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, and all that.

    And then…

    Blinkette got some exciting news this am and I picked up the phone as I always would have. I suppose it is a positive that I had forgotten for a brief moment of joy to occur.

    On a lighter note, I began studying quantum physics and was listening to lectures while commuting all day yesterday. You want to talk about a brain drain to keep your mind off things, lol.

    B

  8. juile says:

    I am so sorry :( May the Lord lift your heart and fill you with His peace. She sounds like such a wonderful person and a part of her will always be in you!!

    Thank you juile
    B

  9. Sandy says:

    I’m very sorry for the loss of your mother, Blink. She sounds like an amazing person. The tribute you wrote is beautiful.

    Thank you Sandy.

    B

  10. Robbyred says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Having loss my father a few years ago, I know the pain your are feeling. It was only after one night I dreamt I was searching for him, and was in a panic I couldn’t find him anywhere, when in my dream I rounded a corner and there he was. I said “Dad Ive been looking for you everywhere, are you okay?” He says ” Im good and you don’t have to worry.” I immediately woke up and had such a sense of peace and knew my dad had sent me a message. I hope you get your message soon.

    Thank you kindly Robby- the truth is I think she has sent me a few and I am grateful for that and for my faith when I need it.

    I will share one. The other night on Mr. Blink and my therapy nightwalk, lol, the very moment I was thinking of my Mom I looked up and for the first time in my life, I saw a shooting star.

    She used to tell her grandchildren she loved them to the moon and back and around the sparkling stars.

    She was showing off as usual :)

    When I told my sister last night the phone went silent for a minute and she whispered, OMG so did I- I was on the deck either last night or the day before and I saw one, and it completely slipped my mind until right now.

    B

  11. Valley Girl says:

    Oh, Blink, I am truly sorry for your loss!!! Your mom sounded like she was an amazing woman and you were blessed to have her in your life. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    I’m sorry this is so late; I’ve been busy lately and haven’t had the time to check in here.

    (((Hugs)))

    Thank you kindly Valley
    B

  12. Sobermom says:

    Oh Blink. My mom had just turned 58 when she died of metastatic breast cancer. It is an honor and a privilege to accompany someone on their journey and to watch them stare down their mortality. I am sure that you made every moment of your mother’s life richer just by being her wonderful daughter.

    Thank you Sobermom, I am so sorry you lost your Mom so young as well.

    You are right about the honor of observing the miracle of one’s battle plan to fight as long as possible.

    On one of her last days we were alone and for a brief few minutes, I let her see my fear and quiet panic.

    I said I am not ready. I know it sounds absurd because I am thankful you are a death cheating machine and we had years of extra time many do not have, but I am not ready.

    She said then I will just have to be ready for the both of us. Wear my opera pearls I gave you and pretend they give you magic strength like you used to pretend with my fake jewelry when you were little.

    Unless you have not insured them properly yet, in which case go up in my vanity and use something costume.

    B

  13. A Texas Grandfather says:

    And Professor Eienstein with E=MC squared is next on the agenda? Blink you are amazing! Good luck with your course(s). It is hard, but well worth the effort. Before long we will be referring to you as Dr. Blink.

    I just finished reading a new paper by a friend of mine brought about by the recent quest for the “G0D particle” in matter. He postulates that there is a particle that makes up the key to matter. One that is so small it takes one hundred of them to make an electron.

    It is time for happy news and new efforts.

    lol, it is relative ( ba dump bump) to the concept of spirituality, but with much respect to the scientific community I am most certain they would like me best on the other side of the pocket protector in this genre.

    B

  14. Eloise says:

    Congrats to Blinkette on her news. Joy will continue to sneak itself in, hooray for you.
    Physics? Yuck-lol.

  15. A Texas Grandfather says:

    There is a small comet that is creating a meteor shower that is visable in the evening and early morning. Your problem is the amount of light that is radiated into the air from cities and towns. It would conceal any meteor that was small. The one you saw was big.

  16. ATG- It was a big one …just like the impression Blink’s momma has left us with in this world…I beleive in miracles and i beleive the loved ones that pass over do send messages…! i know you know all of this-But, Keep your chin up Blink, great things are and have yet to come…you have accomplished so much in such a short time of your life… while there is so much more! Bless you… and i agree 100 percent; Yes you are amazing! physics–ahhhhh very interesting!

    letting you know we are all in my circle thinking and praying for you to find your special place! Hugs. ;o))

  17. A Texas Grandfather says:

    Maybe I didn’t make it very clear. My friend has a Phd. in math and physics. This new concept while very much in the quantum physics arena is a new postulation and examination of what is known in current literature in an attempt to have science meet the real universe. He is examining the known theory to see if the special theory of relativity approaches his idea.

    Anyway, you cannot get there without a proper background and everyone must start at the beginning. I am happy for you. You know there are no limits to what one can do except those we give ourselves.

    Go watch for another BIG meteor. Evening walks with Mr.B are great for appreciating one another. My wife and I did this for years. Sometimes even in a gentle rain.

  18. kjazzyjazz says:

    I can’t even imagine what you are going though, losing your Mom. Hang in there. Remember your mom is in a better place than we are. I’m praying for you and your family.

    Take care,
    Karen

  19. Ragdoll says:

    Loving thoughts and prayers, friendLY.

  20. Just checking on you, hope your okay. hugs…

    ;o))

  21. NGBoston says:

    Dearest Blink:

    Have been reading here and on SM and the now defunct Hinky Meter for years. For some strange reason, thought to self—Hmmmnn…let’s see what Blink is up to these days and have now spent the better part of an hour getting lost in the loving tribute to your Mom, and the outpouring of support from all your Readers.

    So true, that while cathartic, what really is the best way to convey heartfelt sorrow adequately? Hope you know you are responsible for this young lady promptly picking up the phone to make a long overdue visit to my Mom! It’s so easy to get busy and caught up in the rush of our routine and hectic lives….it is never too late to remind the Woman who brought you in to life how much she is loved and appreciated.

    Thank you so much for sharing the story of a wonderful, inspirational and unique Lady!

    Sending thoughts, prayers and a virtual hug from Beantown.

    New Girl Boston

    Thank you kindly NG
    B

  22. Jeez! says:

    I have been reading the lovely thoughts and well wishes your community has sent your way. However it is interesting to see how much we need to stop and slow down our busy lives in order to reflect on the things we hold dear to our heart.

    Thank you Blink, for your ability to share with us your personal grief. I believe it has been very cathartic for so many here to hear your personal thoughts, and it allows us to do a “little soul searching”, and share in those thoughts and relate our own feelings of helplessness in the feeling “loss” brings each one of us. It has been a cleansing and spiritual release for many of us who allow our busy lives to overshadow what is really important in life.

    I look forward to reading the beautiful and astoundingly astute nature of the comments many who make BOC their “on-Line” home. Again thank you for the opportunity to “just feel” our own life for a while.

    Sincerely,
    Jeez

    Thank you kindly.
    B

  23. OperaRach says:

    Blink- I just wanted to offer my condolences. This was a marvelous post. Your mother sounds like a loving and witty person… traits she obviously passed down to you. Much love and peace to you and your family.

    Thank you kindly Opera
    B

  24. Riverpearl says:

    You are a pearl in a river, btw, I thank you.
    B

  25. Gifter says:

    Dear Blink,

    What a wonderful tribute to your Mom & a great picture! I bet she was alot of fun-her spunk & sense of humor shine through! I’m so sorry for your loss. It is a tough one.I wish I had something magical to say to ease the pain, but we all know thats not how it works. Having lost my sweet Mama this year,also from a lung disease,I know that the grieving process is necessary, but not easy. Even when we know that our loved ones are without pain,and no longer suffering, it’s missing…their voice, their laugh,their encouragement, their love-their very presense in our lives,that causes the ache in our own hearts.I believe the pain subsides some, as we are able to accept the loss, but the longing for a Mother never goes away.

    Taking this time for yourself & to be with your family,is such a good thing. I pray that in the days ahead, you draw strength from the way your Mother lived her life & how she faced her death-with courage! May your special memories of her bless and comfort you, and your family.

    Thank you kindly Gifter.

    B

  26. Jill Lawson says:

    My heartfelt condolences to you on the loss of your beloved mother. I lost my Dad 6 years ago. He was my hero and my mentor and if I can live my life even one-quarter of the way he lived his, I will die happy. God bless you and keep you and comfort you – She is always with you in your heart and very soul.

    Thank you kindly Jill
    B

  27. bp3 says:

    In Sept 08 my Pap was diagnosed with cancer.Finding this out was devastating.My Pap(my fathers dad) was pretty much my father as well as my grandfather.By far the smartest person I have met in my 33 yrs on earth.He was always my first phone call for advice bc of his wisdom on any subject.The memories of our shopping trips(bakery,deli,Woleys Market,Giant Eagle) on Sat mornings when I was 2-13 are forever sketched in my brain,followed by being “Paps little helper” doing many little tasks which were def teaching tools.He passed away at 1:20am on Oct 28,2008 as I was outside smoking a cig-something that still eats at me daily even almost 4 yrs later-.You would think after watching the most important person in my life succumb to cancer I would quit smoking.My condolences on the loss of your mother.You’re def in my prayers..

    My condolences on the loss of your Pap, and my encouragement to you for quitting if you can. It would be the best thing you could ever do for yourself and your “new” relationship with your Pap.

    I have lost 3 of 4 grandparents to smoking related deaths, and now my Mother.

    I know several people that have quite smoking via a medically assissted program if that is an idea for you.

    Thanks for the kind words.

    B

  28. Cindy Glass says:

    I just learned of your mom’s passing. I’m so sorry. Your description of her is beautiful. What a loss. She was an inspiring person. You’ve got great memories.

    Take care,
    Cindy

    Thank you so much Cindy- I have missed you but glad to hear you are well.

    Fondly-

    Janet (inside joke peeps)

  29. Sister says:

    My dearest Blink,
    I can only write so many words as I am dealing with the loss of my mother on August 18th, my birthday. I know I will, but I sometimes wonder if I will ever be happy again. This was while I was at Hopkins with George’s surgery for parotid cancer. He now has Hospice.
    It has sucked the breath out of my body and I walk around holding my breath . . . waiting for me to receive once again the joy and the rauch from the Lord.
    My soul cries with yours.
    Love you!

    I know that with less than 2 months under my belt I am no loss officienado. The truth is, I am better some days, and the “same” others. What has occurred to me is that it is so difficult immediately to process any hope or peace because the pain is so seething it is tantamount to being blind for a while with no other senses available to perk up to asisst.

    Many, many people on this thread, have stated it far more eloquently than I can, but I have had the very fortunate experience of believing and knowing that my Mommasita ( yes, in every language we would refer to each other) is with me. I find when I really need it most, she reminds me.

    I will never get past my need to call her, text her, and hear the gentle soothing tone of her firm advice as I did when I looked to her for advice on raising my children. I don’t know how to not be reliant on her even in her death here- in fact, I may be more so.

    I can remember as a child asking her constantly if she was proud of me. She used to say, are YOU proud of you? That is really more important to me, and should be most important to you. If I am doing my job right, you will just know I am.

    I know she is.

    Makes no difference in my loss, or the fact that to date I still cannot listen to the 50 messages of hers I have saved or bear the thought of not texting her through Blinkette’s games or Blink Jr’s perfect score on his Edgar Allen Poe test- she would be freaking out proud.

    You are one of the most faith-filled, kindest and truly selfless people I have ever had the pleasure and good fortune of knowing. In my journey, you have comforted me more than once.

    I wish I had more divine advice, but as you know, lol, I can only be me.

    I just know Grace when I see it, and you will again when you are open to it, and let it in to the parts of your soul that would rather just grieve. Grieving keeps our attachment to the ones we love going strong and helps us avoid what is necessary for a while. As an example and please excuse my crass delivery, but I do not give a rats ass about where my Mother is today on occasion if I cannot have her with me and my family , I just want her. She is mine, I share that with only two other people and that I can handle, the alternative blows.

    There is so much about my Mother’s passing and the journey to that end I am thankful for, and equally as much I feel cheated out of, and some days, that scale is severely unbalanced.

    I know this. Focus on the bonds you have with her, and George, and God.

    In a recent conversation with my Father, I broke down because I referred to their house as Dad’s.

    My Dad and I are very close, but I am always concerned about adding to his own grief-

    He said, my Pam Jr, (LOL) when I wake and I remember, I ask God to tell me what the answer is today.

    If I feel like I did not get a plan or an answer, I just do things to keep myself busy to avoid the whole business for a while until I do.

    Could I possibly not love this man more, or immediately stop feeling sorry for myself?

    Do the things you need to do to increase your strength and your faith. You will not feel like it, do it anyway. You will soon enough. Let others and their love and light help you.

    Love you dearly, and I am so very sorry.

    B

  30. http://i711.photobucket.com/albums/ww116/BlinkOnCrime/MomandMeBirthdayOct52012.jpg

    Daddy and I had the bestest lunch and we picked out your birthday prezzie.

    I did not see it coming that he would be stronger than me.

    I should have. Way sorry for that Mumzy.

    You knew that all along you schiksta. Like everything else.

    Love-love you

    #1

  31. Ode says:

    My daughter gave me the same gift Blink. I know your mamma loves it!!

  32. Sister says:

    Thought of you often during this Thanksgiving time.
    The “firsts” can be so wonderful,yet some “firsts” are so painful.
    Blessings to you dear one.

    You always know sister- How I appreciate your kindness and friendship.
    It is grueling. But I wore her Thanksgiving apron and made her pumpkin soup and said the blessing when Dad could not. Baby steps this year.
    Blessings back.
    B

  33. We made it through. It is completely malignant to have moments of great joy and love to be followed by the extreme void that is our loss.

    You were so right about Daddy. I think we may need him way more than he needs us and his faith is unshakable. We are you to him, as the sum of our parts, and therefore his battery remains charged when he needs it.

    I did not want to post this, but I know that I am not the only person going through this today and many of those kind folks have extended their support that may benefit from my comment.

    Line of the day.. ” Who has an entire drawer for Christmas salt and pepper shakers?

    In unison, your Grandbabes- “Mom Mom”.

    Being intensely proud of you, and for the kind of Mom and woman you are and the heritage that provides me and our family is not a substitute for how badly I ache at your absence. It never will be.

    I ran out of mind tricks long ago, but one that acts as a sort of lidocaine is being with my seestors and our families. We took our turns for meltdowns. Who knew that as parents ourselves we would be reduced to just being your daughters for the immediate time being.

    But we are- for most occasions since you.

    I am never going to be used to unpacking your linens and accessories for the Holiday and I was not thrilled to be the only X that forced myself to stand it- except I learned we all have our tolerances, and I would not trade ketchup and mustard for anything.

    We figure out what we can stand on our own, and the rest we do together. I get it, we get it, so thank you Mumzy.

    We did the things we feared we could not do. So far. There should absolutely be a line about loathing it all the way- jus sayin’.

    I would give almost anything to smell your face and feel your soft skin under my lips when I kiss you hello and goodbye although I can’t look at a text, email or listen to a voice mail from you- YET.

    I am sure that means I have work to do, lol. I will.

    Love-love you.

    #1

    ps. the calendar thing was awesome. Keep it coming.

  34. So.

    Fancy meeting you here.

    What a year. If I could put time in a bottle, and all that…

    I don’t like our new relationship’s communication protocol- I find it very one sided. With the exception of whenever I use the word perview- which you supremely hated so I do hear your non-verbal but very loud eye roll on those occasions.

    Most days inspiration wins out over grief overall- but you already know when it does not because I can hear you then as well.

    Consider that you are up there and I am down here. Jus’ sayin. I will try harder.

    Please always continue to haunt me as your new schedule allows.

    It may surprise you to know that being brave is over-rated mostly. I know it surprises me. There was never a point in the last year where anything occurred I would normally share with you did not result in a 44 year old me saying “I just want my Mom.” Maybe it gets better- I try not to think about it.

    I am so proud of you, and so proud FOR you for the legacy you leave behind. That said- you already know what I am going to say.

    I just want my Mom.

    I write this for the amazing kindness shown to me here when I lost you in the hope it will comfort or inspire someone else going through this.

    Big day tomorrow, and as you know I chose to have all the littles at our house for a seepober (not a typo) tonight in prep .

    Harper felt you at the house- she is our fur healer, lol.

    Love-love you

    xoxoxox

    #1

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